| I was wrong... |
[05 Sep 2009|06:48pm] |
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Sword Fish |
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So I thought coming here would not just help my grand father but my mother as well. And I was wrong. I was under the impression that since I was here my mother would stop drinking so much. That has not changed. After being here for two or three days, she got drunk and told me I could get the fuck out. And that's is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. I just feel so bad because my grand father is going to suffer the most. But there is nothing I can do.
YES...I have decided to move back where I know things are just as disfunctional. But they are the disfunctional I like. I miss fighting with my family I have there. I miss the shit I complained about the most. I miss my little family that has been there everytime I've needed them. Most of all I miss my Baby Boi and my little girl...ZOEEEEEE! I can't wait to be back in our bed and to be in his arms.
On another note, I need to be thankful for what I have instead of trying to find something I already have. I had a great family where I was, I still have a man that loves me more then life itself. And I could ask for nothing more. Lov ya BOO!
♥
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| Here now... |
[30 Aug 2009|02:49pm] |
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Love remains the same |
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It's so weird to be here around my family again. I will say that being at the airport was one of the hardest things to do.
I pull up to the airport. I get out of the car and I couldn't let myself cry. I gave Jain a hug and turned to Thomas. I hugged him, an embrace so sweet. I looked at him and could see he was crying. Even though I hate it when people see me cry, at that moment he never looked more beautiful. His tears were so pure, they came from a place filled with love. I entered the airport to purchase my ticket. I went through security. And sat there and waited. So many thoughts entering my head. I am now sitting on the plane. I call Thomas to talk with him for a brief second. I can here the sorrow in his voice. Phone call ends, and I'm waiting to take off. I fall asleep and awake to the plane soaring in the sky. I took a picture of what I'd seen. The clouds seem to jump and roll into one another. A vision of total bliss. Yet in the design there was one fatal flaw. I was alone when I was having this moment. I wanted nothing more than to have him next to me. I land, and have to wait for my ride. I arrive to my hugs of my mother and grand father. It was amazing. My grand father held me for awhile and I felt a love of family that I haven't felt in a long time.
Today I have been lounging around. Just catching up with my family. It seems that on Sundays everything shuts down just about. So come monday, tomorrow, I will go back over to the dance studio and talk to the owners about teaching some class and also taking a class or two. Not to mention auditioning for the company that is based out of the studio. I do miss him... A LOT.
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| On This Day |
[28 Aug 2009|04:23pm] |
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Life |
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One this day I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. I want to tell you that you are all I want. You are the first man I have ever loved. And I'm still in love with you. And that will never change.
Remember, "Always and forever."
What if I told you I'm scared? What if I thought I was going to lose you? What if I didn't want to go because I thought if I lost you I wouldn't be happy? What if I told you that I would rather lose my family then to never share what we have now? What if I told you that when I'm alone I cry?
But in all actuality is doesn't matter. I'm leaving you and now I have to face the consequences for it. I brought this upon myself. I have to grow up and take accountability for my actions. May be you are only meant to have one true love. And now I have to let go because if it hurts this much now, what does my future hold?
I'm sorry that I made a promise that I now won't be able to keep. I have fucked this one up. There really is nothing else to say but...I want us. I don't care how hard it will be. There are things in life worth fighting for. If I have to fight the rest of my life I will do it. You are worth more than life to me even though I act like an ass to you sometimes. Please... I can't stop crying.
1437
Always and Forever
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| All I Want |
[24 Aug 2009|05:53pm] |
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All I Want |
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I think the hardest thing is to saying good bye, even when it's see you later. I have been feeling more and more emotional on the subject of leaving. I am a firm believer in living for you, even at the cost of hurting others. Yet what do you do when it's also hurting you? As each day passes I feel like I'm unraveling. I feel alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Because the people I want to turn to are hurting. The future is never certain, so what if this is the wrong choice I'm making? Will I ever have the chance to undo the damage I have done to the people I love the most? And what about the damage I'm doing to myself?
All I want is to run and just keep running. May be that way I could just be alone and not hurt those I care so much for. But is it worth it, being alone to save myself and other from the irreclaimable damage I'm attending upon this existence. I hate that I feel so much. I hate that behind close doors I'm the sensitive one. My feelings are what make my decisions so dangerous. I can't just think with my head I have to think with my heart. And that's why I end up hurting myself and others. I have the best intentions but they don't come out that way.
I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like this move will be best for me yet I don't want to leave behind the love I have. I feel that me being away might help with some of my issues regarding my insecurities about myself. And may be I will become more secure in knowing that love can be everlasting and unconditional. Or will I just end up alone because I fucked up what I had by trying to have a sense of self and family. "I tell you I wanna go, but I want to say here. But I know I'm going to lose myself this way." A phrase that continues to run in and out of my head.
I am a hypocrite. I sat here and got mad because my love was emotional about me leaving. Yet I'm sitting here crying trying to stop. Because I feel guilty. I promised I would never leave him again. But I know the outcome of a long distance relationship. And I can't take losing him forever when I could lose him for a little and know that we will find one another again. When you love something let it go, and it will find you again. I cared a lot about him when I first met him and I had to let him go. And we found each other. But the future is not certain in the eyes of mere mortals. So I guess I will have to follow through with what I started. The only questions left are... Am I making the right choice? Or will I live the rest of my life in regret? the only thing I am certain is, I'm in love with a great guy and I'm going to lose him for a little. And that little bit could be forever. Nothing in life is fair.
Death is peaceful,
easy.
Life... is harder...
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[19 Aug 2009|08:47pm] |
Thoughts lost in spray painted time.
Wondering if what I'm doing is the correct thing to do.
Questioning everything I'm doing.
But I guess only time will tell whats going on.
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| Starting Up Again |
[10 Nov 2006|03:45am] |
These are my thoughts. You will never understand. I hope that one day I will truely understand me, and have a sense of self.
Kail K.™
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